POST #4 - PETA

Our dear friends at PETA would like to see all animals of the world set free to roam and fend for themselves.  It would be the rule of the jungle and survival of the fittest.  For those unfortunate animals that aren't fortunate it is pain and suffering.  In their world, there would be no more healthcare for animals, provided by loving families and attentive caretakers.  If a species was nearing extinction, we'll, "who the fuck cares."

PETA would love to see animals granted the same basic freedoms and equality as human beings.  You may dismiss the following as hyperbole but our dear friends at PETA would expect equal protections under the Constitution and Bill of Rights for these new citizens of the world.  This is evidence in their recent lawsuit claiming a monkey owned the rights to pictures taken of him.  They also filed a suit under constitutional protection grounds on behalf of killer whales.  Lets just take their premise to its illogical conclusion.  In their world, animals at zoos and theme parks would be considered citizens with equal protections therefore they are now employees.  They would be subject to the same wage and earning laws as anyone else.  Does this mean I must pay dolphins with currency, or can I get away with an equal amount of fish?  Someone would have to establish what is fair compensation for these animal performers.  They would be entitled to the same meal periods, breaks and work day hour regulations as everyone else.  They would be entitled to the right to unionize for collective bargaining.  The thought of facing off against a group of surly lemurs to hammer out a labor agreement might lead to more Jimmy Hoffas.  On the plus side the government would have a entirely new class of workers to  subject to the IRS and their heavy handed tax schemes.

They would be entitled to healthcare under the rights granted under Obama Care.  Yes, we would now subject these animal performers to the same screwed up health care system we now have.  A health care system with the same limitations to ensure insurance carriers can turn a profit for their shareholders.  These animal performers would be entitled to Social Security although that should be bankrupt soon enough.  We would need to ensure compliance with ADA regulations for equal access for all.  We could ill afford the legal action resulting from the denial of library access to Shamu because he can't access the local public library.  The local cable television provider would be required to add a few more bullshit channels to their basic subscriber programming to ensure equal programming or face FCC sanctions.  Airlines would need to provide reasonable accommodations for elephants wanting to travel back to Africa to see their former homeland and how it has degenerated into a shooting gallery worse than Chicago with rampant poaching.  Would there be a weight limit per passenger?  I would assume airlines would need charge the same fees for tickets for fear of some sort of equal consumer protection litigation on behalf of overweight elephants, hippos and rhinos.

What would happen to extracting venom from snakes for anti venom serum.  There would have to be some compensation agreement as we all saw in the animated movie "Bee Movie."  We must make sure we compensate these new citizens equally.  I don't even know where to begin with Guide Dogs?  PETA would advocate there is no future need for assistance dogs, as there is a phone app to take their place.  Their argument is naive, foolish and can I say dumber than lemmings.  Probably not!  They would sue me for insulting lemmings.  They would have you beleive assistance dogs are placed in what they would have us believe are restraints of bondage and I am not talking about a scene from 50 Shades of Grey.  These restraints are to ensure their forced cooperation to perform hard labor.  Their forced internment in peoples homes and forced servitude is tantamount to slavery.  Dear God we owe reparations to the generations of canines who were held against their will.  Since there are little to no birth records we will need a government commission to determine how to compensate the generations of surviving family members.

PETA has spent millions trying to sell their viewpoint that exploitation of animals is wrong and immoral.  Their primary advertising campaign involves the cheap exploitation of women's nude bodies to advance their cause.  Those who advocate a world free of exploitation themselves degrade women to shamelessly advance their cause.  Hey, truth be told, their posters have more nudity than the new Playboy.  So forgive me if I stop here, but my "meat lovers" pizza has just arrived and I am starving for some mouthwatering animal flesh covered in warm cheese, tangy sauce and wrapped in a deep dish crust.  Plus I want to look at more of these photos from PETA.